Sporting Jokes and Humour

Here are some of the foolish things that various football commentators have uttered, and later wished they hadn't. . .

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"

(STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."

(RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach. "

(ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1)

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch,

even on a sunny day."

(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)

"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the

Premiership, but there are none better."

(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke."

(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."

(DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."

(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal."

(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)

"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."

(JOHN MOTSON, BBC)

"I never make predictions, and I never will."

(PAUL GASCOIGNE)

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."

(JIMMY HILL)

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees,

is that Falcao is warming up."

(BRIAN MOORE)

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect

the same thing again."

(TERRY VENABLES)

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."

(MIKE INGHAM)

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."

(RON ATKINSON)

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."

(RON ATKINSON)

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."

(JOHN GREIG)

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."

(DEREK RAE)

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."

(MIKE INGHAM)

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."

(BOBBY ROBSON)

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."

(JOHN MOTSON)

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."

(TREVOR BROOKING)

"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."

(DAVE BASSETT)

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."

(TOM FERRIE)

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."

(JOHN HOLLINS)

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley. . . unless somebody knocks us out."

(DAVE BASSETT)

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."

(ALAN GREEN)

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."

(JIMMY HILL)

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."

(RICHARD PARK)

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."

(TREVOR BROOKING)

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."

(SPORTS ROUNDUP)

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."

(JOHN LYALL)

"In comparison, there's no comparison."

(RON GREENWOOD)

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."

(RON ATKINSON)

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon

than both sides put together."

(MALCOLM McDONALD)

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."

(BRIAN MOORE)

"Football's not like an electric light.

You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."

(JOHN GREIG)

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."

(TERRY VENABLES)

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."

(RON ATKINSON)

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already nil - nil"

(IAN DARK)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

(DAVID ACFIELD)

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"

(GERRY FRANCIS)

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"

(BRYAN ROBSON)

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."

(MICK LYONS)

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."

(DEREK JOHNSTONE)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did."

(BARRY DAVIES)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"

(STUART PEARCE)

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."

(RON GREENWOOD)

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."

(DENIS LAW)

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man."

(NORMAN WHITESIDE)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

(RON ATKINSON)

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

"The minute's silence was immaculate, I have never heard a minute's silence like that."

(GLENN HODDLE)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"

Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

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Last two not football related:

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury."

(RAY FRENCH, Sky TV Rugby)

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"

(HARRY CARPENTER - BBC TV Boat Race, 1977)

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Peter Miller, September 1997.

A PAGE OF JOKES!

Worry is like a rocking chair !

It give's you something to do, but gets you nowhere.

Did you hear about the man who fell into a bowl of Muesli ?

The currant dragged him under !.

A TRUE REPORT OF A COURTROOM TRANSCRIPT FROM MASSACHUSETTS USA 1996

LAWYER: " Before you began your autopsy, did you check that the victim was breathing ?"

DOCTOR: "No "

LAWYER: " Did you check if he had a pulse ?"

DOCTOR: " No "

LAWYER: " Did you check if he had any brain activity ?"

DOCTOR : " No "

LAWYER: " But why not ?"

DOCTOR: " Because his brain was sitting in a laboratory dish on my desk "

LAWYER: (Pause) " But is it not possible he could have been alive nonetheless?"

DOCTOR: " Well yes, it is possible he was alive. But he would only have been fit to study LAW ".

A SHORT VERSE JUST IN FROM AUSTRALIA

A SELECTORS PRAYER

Blessed are they who can play sport

Blessed are they who can still be taught

Blessed are they who accept with grace

To play in any selected place.

Many thanks to Joyce

HERE ARE SOME QUICK ONE LINERS : -

Lead: "How short is my bowl?"

Skip: "You ought to know, your closer to it"

You have a referee in football. An umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls?----- A GOLDFISH !

Definition of a novice:

A new convert to bowls who confessess he knows nothing about the game and then

gets annoyed when you agree with him.

Definition of a substitute:

One accepted with faith, endured with hope, but seldom remembered with charity.

Definition of a coach:

One who appears to agree with whatever you tell him.

Q: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score

and won't listen?----A: Make them skip.

Q: how do you spell skip?--------A: G.O.D

' Exposed bowls '

Skip to lead: "Good bowl ! you just need a bit more grass and a bit more weight."

Skip to Third: "You need to change your hand, and put on a foot !"

Skip to Third: "'Which is the danger bowl?" "Third: 'The one your holding"

I rang up my local bowling club, I said "is that the local bowling club?"

Voice said "It depends where you're calling from."

' Driving wood '

The lady president had just left the club, and was getting into her car, when this bloke says to her,

"can you give me a lift?" She said "sure.....you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it."

The local police arrested two old bowlers leaving the club yesterday,

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

So they charged one and let the other one off.

A NOTICE ON THE CLUB HOUSE DOOR.

"Would however borrowed the ladders from the club house,

Please bring them back, or further steps will be taken!"

TO ALL MEMBERS.

If you make tea in the club house,

Please empty the tea pot, then stand upside down on the draining board!

A NOTICE ON THE CARETAKERS DOOR.

I can repair anything,(Please knock loudly-the bell does'nt work).

A DEED OF GIFT.

A local farmer, whose land ajoined the village bowling green,

offered the club a small field next door to

the green for the future use of the members.

Asked by the club treasurer the cost,

Oh it's free said the farmer, but I'd watch the bull,

"HE CHARGES"

A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP.

We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories,

Why not bring along your wife and get a wonderful bargain!

FRIENDSHIP.

Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. he had passed to green's anew

just last year,and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.

So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he sought the help of a medium,

who agreed to try and make contact with Joe.So the next evening, after the usual formalities

contact was made, and this is how it went !.

Hi Bob, said Joe.

Whats it like up there, asked Bob?

Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like, replied Joe.

That's good news, said Bob!

No! said Joe, good news is your skipping FRIDAYS TRIPLES !!!!!

THE TEAM.

The lads had arranged to have a practice bounce before the big match,

Sunday morning was chosen, and they all arrived on time except Fred.

When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"what kept you ?"

"Well It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Fred replied.

" That shouldn't have taken long ", said the skip.

" Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".

GRUMPY.

I woke up this morning and felt "grumpy",

but I soon changed my mind and decided to let her sleep.!

SWOPS

I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week !

Best deal I have made in years.

TO WIN

" It matters not whether you Win or Lose;

What matters is whether I Win or Lose"

TRYING

" If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following.

(1) Blame your Bowls

(2) Blame someone else

(3) Seek coaching.

ADVICE

" If your Skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".

PERFECTION

Can Someone tell me why,

"If practice makes perfect", and as we know nobodys perfect,

Why bother to Practice ?.

THE ODDS

"Remember, the world is a big place.

Even if you are a Bowler in a million,

It means there are a 1000 more like you around the world.

CATERING

Our club secretary was visting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital,

and asked about the place and things in general.

"The nurses are very good and so is the treatment" came the reply

But the food gets a bit boring.

What do you mean boring asked the secretary ?

Well we get "Haggis" for breakfast, "Haggis"for our lunch

and then "Haggis"again for supper.

Well what do you expect say's the secretary!

"THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT"

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY ?

Why the sun lightens your hair, but darkens your skin ?.

Why you never hear of fortune tellers winning the lottery.

Why is " abbreviated " such a long word?.

Why do doctors call what they do " practice ".

Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavouring ?,

but dishwasher liquid is made with real lemons !

Why is a man who invests your money called a " Broker "

Why don't they make " mouse " flavoured cat food ?.

Why didn't Noah swat those first two midges ?.

Why don't they build aeroplanes from the same material as the " black box " ?

Why do sheep not shrink in the rain ?.

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high

for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the

gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily

Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she

was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the

crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt

out 'Heil Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Next, a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made

to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to

be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from E & B

syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know

any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our

destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ..

As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they

had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't

think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ..) "Oh go on then,

stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate

instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means

that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your

bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please

move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a

personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs

away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a

joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

The above comes courtesy of Mr. Maritn Hughes.